I’m trying to figure out how to approach this topic. In the last 2 years, I’ve learned a lot about
grieving, spirituality and faith and I want to share it but I don’t want to
presume to tell others how they should approach the topic. I also want those who are grieving to see
that there are some very concrete ways by which they can keep and even
strengthen their faith in the face of grief.
Finally, I want those who are attempting to comfort the grieving to
recognize that some of the words that are reflexively used to comfort, may have
the exact opposite effect as they intend and to be careful about how to console
the grieving.
When my wife Kristine died in 2015, I was confronted by a
huge number of emotions that I had never experienced before. The death of someone so close was a shock to
the system which I can still hardly comprehend.
There was no build-up, no preparation and no way to anticipate what was
to come. In a matter of minutes, I had
to come to grips with the fact that everything I thought my future would be was
gone.
This is where my relationship and understanding of God
became so important. I am a Christian
but the way I view God and his “plan” is very different than the stereotype
that is commonly told of Christians. I
have never been one to believe in “miracles” in the traditional sense. I don’t believe in a God that intervenes in
human affairs. I believe in a God who
loves us so much that he allows us to have free will.
Free will is the second most important gift he gave to mankind. The first of course is his son Jesus but even
that gift would be irrelevant if we were not free to accept him. If God changed people’s behavior so that they
didn’t hurt us, free will does not exist.
If God altered people’s bodies, wouldn’t that mean we worship him out of
fear of what would happen to our physical well-being? Is that free will? If God changed the weather to protect people
from disaster, wouldn’t that mean he saved us from our own decisions about
where and how to live? That violates the
idea of free will.
No, I believe God loves us so much that he allows the world
to operate in a way where science rules.
Choices have consequences. We
live in an imperfect world, in imperfect bodies and that often leads to
grief. Because we live in that world, we
are free to accept His gift of grace and redemption. Without free will, we could not make that
choice and His love is what makes this possible.
None of this means I don’t believe in miracles. It means that I view the nature of miracles in
a very different way. The miracles
happen when we listen to his voice. We
make better decisions when we quiet our minds and allow the Spirit to work in
us. That "still small voice" can tell us
God’s plan and we can act upon it.
Allow me to share what I consider to be miracles that I have
had in my life. This is not a
comprehensive list but they are the ones that I hope bring solace to those who
are grieving.
1. Meeting
Kristine in the first place was a miracle in my book. She would be horrified if she knew that I let
people know that we met on-line but we did and it is an important part of this
story. I saw her profile and my initial
reaction was “no”. She just wasn’t my
type (or so I thought). She was a
Christian and I wasn’t. She had 3 kids
and I had never been interested in kids and had gone out of my way to make sure
there were no kids in my life. She lived
a LOT farther away than I wanted to date.
Yet something in the back of my head told
me to take a closer look. I reminded
myself that my criteria for women had led me to not so good outcomes. My decision making had proven to be poor in
previous relationships so I decided to go against my instincts and see what
this was all about. I discovered just
how wrong I had been about a great number of things. I found true happiness in the exact things I
had avoided my entire life.
2. Adopting
her children was another one of those decisions that was miraculous. In the interest of privacy, I’ll not get into
a lot of details here but suffice to say, several people listened to that "still
small voice" and as a result I became the legal father to three amazing
kids. The importance of this fact
wouldn’t be fully understood until that awful day in 2015 and everybody took
comfort in the fact that the kids' future was never in jeopardy.
3. Life insurance.
Kristine and I had a lot of discussions about planning for the
future. Part of those discussions was
what each of us would do without the other.
We agreed on a plan that might have stretched us in some lean months but
we never missed a payment. That policy
went into effect on 2/12/2010 which was 5 year to the day before her
passing. I knew from the moment it
happened that our family would not be financially devastated and that so many
of our plans would still happen.
4. We often
discussed end of life issues. We both
talked about not being kept on life-support.
We talked about cremation and the fact that neither of us thought we
needed real estate in death. We joked
about the idea that when we are gone, we are truly gone and can’t have our
feelings hurt. Just 5 days before her
death, we were at a funeral where she reminded me for the 100th time
that she would figure out how to haunt me if I had an open casket for her. She went several steps further by telling me
which funeral home to use and that her father should make the urn because she
didn’t want me spending a single dollar more than absolutely necessary. Yes, I pointed out to her the absurdity of
assuming her father would outlive her but I was jokingly informed that her dad
was immortal. Yes, 5 days before her
passing, we discussed funeral arrangements with smiles on our faces.
5. There are
actually several more of these “coincidences” that happened over the years
preceding her death. Some are rather
private but all of them have a common theme.
For some reason, things were said and relationships were built that
didn’t always make 100% sense at the time.
We and others just listened to that still small voice. Oh and in the middle of this, I became a
confirmed Episcopalian. For all its
faults, (and there are a few) the Episcopal Church is remarkable in that the
Bible is not viewed as a history and science book but rather as a guide to our
relationship with our fellow man and with God.
It is a very logical approach to God and one that allows me to be both
logical and a Christian.
So the point of all of this?
Aside from it being cathartic for me to get it all in writing, there is
a point here. If you are grieving, take
a look at your life. Look for those
times when you listened to that voice.
If you’re a believer, you’ll find them.
You’ll see where God’s will was present in your life. You’ll identify those times when God was
preparing you for your time of grief.
If you are the one grieving, you are going to have a lot of
people in your life hug you and try to comfort you by telling you that your
loss is part of “God’s plan” or that God called his angel home. People say this without thinking of the real ramifications
of those statements. They are repeating words
they have heard before and they sound like the only comforting thing they can
imagine. In truth, they have no words
that could possibly comfort you right now.
Unfortunately, what they have done by claiming your loss is
part of God’s plan is to say that God killed your loved one for purposes you
can never understand. You’ll struggle
with this, especially that first week at 3:00 AM while you are looking at the
empty spot in the bed. You’ll doubt God’s
wisdom. You’ll scream that he should
reveal this grand plan so you don’t have to toss and turn for endless hours
trying to figure it out. You might get
angry at God for having a plan that involves so much pain.
If you do a Google search for things not to say to those who
are grieving the loss of a loved one, the first or second thing on the list is
the “God’s plan” phrase yet it is so deeply woven into our psyche that it
is impossible to avoid. I really don’t
think people have thought it through but in your time of grief, I guarantee that
you will. If you believe that God
actually planned this horrific event, I can’t see how deep depression wouldn’t
follow.
Allow me to share how I dealt with this. First of all, I very quickly adopted the
following phrase: “We live in an
imperfect world, in imperfect bodies.
God loves us so much that he gave us free will and sometimes that means
people die long before God would will
them to go.” In those long nights
in an empty bed, I thought long and hard about the philosophical meaning of
free will and how that fits into this grand plan.
What I came up with is that God doesn’t plan tragedies. He plans for how we deal with them when they
hit. The trick is listening to him when
he tells us that plan. Sometimes, the
plan doesn’t make any sense until after it happens. In my case, I was following a path that put
me and my family into the best possible position when that horrible day
came. We didn’t know that day was coming
and I don’t blame God for it, but we were as ready as any family could have
been under the circumstances.
My final piece of advice to anybody who is grieving is to
look forward. Looking back is only good
if you’re reminiscing or trying to learn from it. It is NOT good if you have regrets or if you
seek to live in the past. My prayer is
for wisdom to figure out how best to move my family forward. Start making plans. Get involved with activities that require
planning. Listen to that small voice
when it moves you into the future. There
is no going back. What is past can never
be changed. Regretting what has happened
gets you nowhere.
Pray for strength.
Pray for healing. Pray that you’ll
hear that "still small voice" that will help you move forward. Do those things that you don’t always
understand. You may one day wake up and
see that His plan was for you to survive and thrive. His plan wasn’t the death of a loved
one. His plan was for how you live after
loss.
